almost another week has gone by since i last posted. i'm telling you, the weeks are flying. i had plenty of time to post, but i just didn't feel like i could. it's been a bit of a rough week...emotionally and spiritually. i'm still not entirely sure why, but today i woke up and saw the sun shining in my window, and i smiled again. life goes on, and God is still God...yesterday, today, and forever. and that just makes me say FEWF! :)
in short, this week i've learned:
1. you don't need affirmation from anyone. believe in yourself and the gifts God has given you. believe that at the end of the day, you are just as loved by Him as you were at the beginning of the day. no need to prove anything--His love never changes and never will. amen.
2. just let it go. thanks to the wonderful man in my life, my companion, i always am reminded of this. he's so right. just let it go. everything....big or small. why carry it around? [love you babe. :)]
i'm sitting in my favorite aspen coffee shop and just finished some french homework for the day. it's an espresso/wine bar...haven't tried the wine yet, but the espresso is the BEST. i will surely miss this place when i leave, but i won't miss the expensive prices.
today we had the final sitzprobe at the wheeler opera house. i'll post pictures of the house soon. as i was sitting at my music stand behind all my fellow singing colleagues and listening to the orchestra warm up, sheer joy filled me up. i thought, 'i love this. this is why i love this.' i can't really explain it. you know, the exciting feeling you get when you're doing something you love that just reminds you why you really love doing it. i need to feel that more. i think more people do.
like i mentioned before, this week was rough. and often when i'm feeling low or discouraged my mother reminds me to look up. i mean to look up physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, all of the above. i'm always amazed by how much it helps. look up and outside of the place i'm in...get my mind off myself and the work i'm doing and the way i'm feeling. being selfish is a miserable existence.
i'm reminded of two places in scripture where two men who lifted their eyes were brought to a new place with God.
first: abram. after he journeyed to egypt with his wife and messed up big time the first time the Lord told him what He wanted to with abram, he went back to a familiar and comfortable place. now, i'm not sure if this was negative or positive. i think there were positive elements, judging by the context of the scripture, but i'm not terribly far into the story of abram to really know yet. [perhaps a person who knows could comment and inform me]. however, i was still struck by how abram went back to a familiar place after he messed up in egypt. after he and lot parted ways, God spoke to abram again saying, 'lift up your eyes and look from the place you are in...' [genesis 13:14] God goes on telling abram to look at all the land around him and walk it, because God is going to give it to him and make his descendants numerous. so, abram looked up, and went forward into God's story. lift up your eyes, go forward into God's story.
second: stephen. the first martyr for Christendom. stephen was doing great wonders and signs among the people for Christ--full of grace and power [acts 6:8], and for that he was seized. the high priest questioned him about speaking blasphemy against Moses and God. Stephen gave a powerful speech about the history of God's people and the working of the Holy Spirit [i need to really dive into this speech...it's amazing...maybe i'll post on it later. find it in acts 7:1-53]. well, obviously those listening didn't like it and decided to stone him. but stephen was full of the Holy Spirit and gazed to heaven, lifting up his eyes: he saw the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God. [acts 7:54-56]. i can't even imagine what that felt like. but reading it now, i'm reminded that i'm not home yet. i'm passing through with plenty to do...but this is not my final destination. that encourages my spirit. lift up your eyes, and go confidently knowing we're not home yet.
[i will lift up mine eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help. my help cometh from the Lord...
psalm 121:1-2a].
.samantha.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
growing pains.
wow. the last time i posted seems like another lifetime. so much has happened. so much has been learned. new friends, new stories, new vocal breakthroughs...tons! so, this post may be a little jumbled, but i hope it makes some sense.
my schedule this past week was PACKED. i took a picture of my planner and put it on facebook just because i was so blown away by how full my schedule was my very first official week of the aspen music festival and school. and, it was such a good week. so, this post will serve as a summation of activities spent and lessons learned this week smack in the middle of the rockies.
first, i'm learning again that i love to be physically active. i used to take dance when i was younger and the more mature part of myself loved it...the beauty of movement paired with the beauty of music. but, i felt too much like an awkward ugly duckling a lot of the time to really allow myself to dive into it. well, here in aspen, i take a class called "movement" at least two times a week. my hamstrings are still screaming from the intense warm-up our wonderful choreographer/instructor puts us through...and my class was almost three days ago. yeah, i know i'm out of shape. but, we get to DANCE! and let me tell you... i am just loving it!
in addition to movement, we take once a week a class that is called 'alexander technique.' this class focuses primarily on the alignment of your body...using your skeletal and muscular systems as efficiently as possible--the way they were designed! while this may seem like nothing to my readers (if there are any...lol), the day i had this class was a huge and victorious breakthrough for me. our wonderful instructor asked for a volunteer. i did because i've never had this course in my time of study. she had me sit on a chair and then with her hands started to straighten my spine and align my whole body. i started to feel a pinching in my lower back....for those of you who do not know, i have a pretty severe joint problem in my lower back that has at times forced me to lay down for a week and do nothing else. i knew the pinching was happening because my body was sensing change. my entire body compensates for this problem, that according to my doctor originates in my neck for whatever reason. when my instructor was prohibiting this compensation by helping me align my body the way it needed to be, it hurt a little bit. but it was a good hurt. she had me stand up, and she lifted up my ribcage, lifting pressure and weight off my lower back. she walked with me this way, and asked, 'how does that feel?'
i almost couldn't believe how good it felt. after class, i sincerely thanked her. she looked at me, genuinely, and said, 'you don't have to live with this. you're too young, and we can make it better.'
tears filled my eyes.
this isn't where i thought this post was going...but now as i'm thinking about that, i can't help but think about when the Lord speaks healing into my life. mind, body, and spirit are all connected in the way we were created. so, i'm reminded of the times when God has first broken me to heal me and correct me. when He has unearthed all of the darkness and confusion in my heart and brought it to light. it hurts, but it's a good hurt. He's present, breaking us down, molding and refining us...but His presence is ever-comforting. i can just hear the gentle voice of my Saviour, the Master Potter, 'trust Me, samantha.'
[thank you Lord, for Your continued healing and restoration you offer to all people.]
in addition to everything else i have learned this week...i learned again that i can't do everything even if i want to. sometimes, i just shouldn't. i was originally assigned a cover (understudy) role for 'mistress quickly' in the aotc production of verdi's falstaff. the part is for a contralto, a voice type lower than my own. when originally offered, i was excited and thought that i could do it because i had all the notes in my voice the part required. i coached the role with a pianist about two weeks before i came here, but had this creeping and looming feeling that this part just wasn't right for me...it was incredibly taxing on my voice and i knew that i just wouldn't be able to deliver the sound 'quickly' needed. well, i got here, and went to my first rehearsal as a cover...and the gal playing 'quickly' was sick that day. it was just an italian text coaching, but it hit me again like a ton of bricks....there is a chance i'll have to go on and sing this role. it wasn't a fear thing, and it wasn't a 'i don't want to do this because it's hard' thing. i knew i could learn all of the rhythms (cuz whoa they are hard) and language and notes with practice. but, i knew i vocally could not give the production what it deserved. although i would work hard and sing my best, the performance would come off as mediocre because i just simply don't have the right voice for it yet.
so, knowing that i'm not ok with mediocre thanks to my awesome college choir conductor, i called my voice teacher...disappointed in myself and a bit overwhelmed. he did not make me feel stupid, and told me that i had learned a lesson. sometimes things just aren't right for your voice, and you learn as you go. he told me a story where the same thing happened to him. and then he said, 'samantha, you have to talk to the director and be honest. you have to take care of this, and everything will be fine.' i met with the director the next day, and he was so very understanding and released me from the role. now, a much more perfect voice for the role of quickly is covering her...and she's excited about it! it turns out, she wanted the role to begin with. wow!
at first, i was disappointed, i felt stupid, i felt like i'd let people down and that this mistake would somehow jeopardize my future. i had to embrace that my voice and my work are not mediocre, and that i am young and learning lessons. i'm just so thankful to have wonderful teachers, directors, friends and family who are incredibly supportive. i hope to be half the teacher of all of my wonderful music instructors and directors some day.
sometimes we do have to make mistakes to learn the most important lessons. from now on...i'm really going to dig into every role i ever audition for and am offered. musicians know that we must take care of our instruments....and this is one way that God has taught me, again, how to be a good steward of the gifts he has and is giving me. all glory, honor, and praise be to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords!
[My son, be attentive to My words; incline your ear to My sayings. let them not escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. for they are life for those who find them, and healing for all their flesh. proverbs 4:20-22.]
.samantha.
my schedule this past week was PACKED. i took a picture of my planner and put it on facebook just because i was so blown away by how full my schedule was my very first official week of the aspen music festival and school. and, it was such a good week. so, this post will serve as a summation of activities spent and lessons learned this week smack in the middle of the rockies.
first, i'm learning again that i love to be physically active. i used to take dance when i was younger and the more mature part of myself loved it...the beauty of movement paired with the beauty of music. but, i felt too much like an awkward ugly duckling a lot of the time to really allow myself to dive into it. well, here in aspen, i take a class called "movement" at least two times a week. my hamstrings are still screaming from the intense warm-up our wonderful choreographer/instructor puts us through...and my class was almost three days ago. yeah, i know i'm out of shape. but, we get to DANCE! and let me tell you... i am just loving it!
in addition to movement, we take once a week a class that is called 'alexander technique.' this class focuses primarily on the alignment of your body...using your skeletal and muscular systems as efficiently as possible--the way they were designed! while this may seem like nothing to my readers (if there are any...lol), the day i had this class was a huge and victorious breakthrough for me. our wonderful instructor asked for a volunteer. i did because i've never had this course in my time of study. she had me sit on a chair and then with her hands started to straighten my spine and align my whole body. i started to feel a pinching in my lower back....for those of you who do not know, i have a pretty severe joint problem in my lower back that has at times forced me to lay down for a week and do nothing else. i knew the pinching was happening because my body was sensing change. my entire body compensates for this problem, that according to my doctor originates in my neck for whatever reason. when my instructor was prohibiting this compensation by helping me align my body the way it needed to be, it hurt a little bit. but it was a good hurt. she had me stand up, and she lifted up my ribcage, lifting pressure and weight off my lower back. she walked with me this way, and asked, 'how does that feel?'
i almost couldn't believe how good it felt. after class, i sincerely thanked her. she looked at me, genuinely, and said, 'you don't have to live with this. you're too young, and we can make it better.'
tears filled my eyes.
this isn't where i thought this post was going...but now as i'm thinking about that, i can't help but think about when the Lord speaks healing into my life. mind, body, and spirit are all connected in the way we were created. so, i'm reminded of the times when God has first broken me to heal me and correct me. when He has unearthed all of the darkness and confusion in my heart and brought it to light. it hurts, but it's a good hurt. He's present, breaking us down, molding and refining us...but His presence is ever-comforting. i can just hear the gentle voice of my Saviour, the Master Potter, 'trust Me, samantha.'
[thank you Lord, for Your continued healing and restoration you offer to all people.]
in addition to everything else i have learned this week...i learned again that i can't do everything even if i want to. sometimes, i just shouldn't. i was originally assigned a cover (understudy) role for 'mistress quickly' in the aotc production of verdi's falstaff. the part is for a contralto, a voice type lower than my own. when originally offered, i was excited and thought that i could do it because i had all the notes in my voice the part required. i coached the role with a pianist about two weeks before i came here, but had this creeping and looming feeling that this part just wasn't right for me...it was incredibly taxing on my voice and i knew that i just wouldn't be able to deliver the sound 'quickly' needed. well, i got here, and went to my first rehearsal as a cover...and the gal playing 'quickly' was sick that day. it was just an italian text coaching, but it hit me again like a ton of bricks....there is a chance i'll have to go on and sing this role. it wasn't a fear thing, and it wasn't a 'i don't want to do this because it's hard' thing. i knew i could learn all of the rhythms (cuz whoa they are hard) and language and notes with practice. but, i knew i vocally could not give the production what it deserved. although i would work hard and sing my best, the performance would come off as mediocre because i just simply don't have the right voice for it yet.
so, knowing that i'm not ok with mediocre thanks to my awesome college choir conductor, i called my voice teacher...disappointed in myself and a bit overwhelmed. he did not make me feel stupid, and told me that i had learned a lesson. sometimes things just aren't right for your voice, and you learn as you go. he told me a story where the same thing happened to him. and then he said, 'samantha, you have to talk to the director and be honest. you have to take care of this, and everything will be fine.' i met with the director the next day, and he was so very understanding and released me from the role. now, a much more perfect voice for the role of quickly is covering her...and she's excited about it! it turns out, she wanted the role to begin with. wow!
at first, i was disappointed, i felt stupid, i felt like i'd let people down and that this mistake would somehow jeopardize my future. i had to embrace that my voice and my work are not mediocre, and that i am young and learning lessons. i'm just so thankful to have wonderful teachers, directors, friends and family who are incredibly supportive. i hope to be half the teacher of all of my wonderful music instructors and directors some day.
sometimes we do have to make mistakes to learn the most important lessons. from now on...i'm really going to dig into every role i ever audition for and am offered. musicians know that we must take care of our instruments....and this is one way that God has taught me, again, how to be a good steward of the gifts he has and is giving me. all glory, honor, and praise be to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords!
[My son, be attentive to My words; incline your ear to My sayings. let them not escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. for they are life for those who find them, and healing for all their flesh. proverbs 4:20-22.]
.samantha.
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