hello.
it has been quite some time...well over a year. how does time move rapidly and in slow motion all at once? i guess that is one of the many mysteries of our time here. nevertheless, i am thankful for the time that has gone by... each and every day: the joys - the achievements - the milestones, - and the pain - the mountains - the valleys.
i posted today on my facebook page an-often-called-trite, Christian saying : when God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it. and as i remarked on facebook, i will remark here: i'd call it trite, if it wasn't so beautifully and painfully true. friends, this has been one of those defining years... you know the kind. the kind with such happiness that it makes you hurt, and the kind with such hurt, that you just... hurt. i'm telling you though, i rejoice(!) because i've learned in God's precious mercy, more about patience -also called 'long-suffering', forgiveness, and unconditional love. i've learned about the sheer power of prayer. i've learned more about what it means to work with every ounce of strength and put your whole heart and soul into something....into someone.
no, i do not have it all together. memories of grief and fear flood in as i write this post. some aren't even memories. i've learned about disappointments with friends, disappointments with myself, i've learned humility [that hurts], and learned from how scary and ugly jealousy can be [in myself]. and of course, there is the ever-present concern of the unknown. i have to smile at this one, because i can just feel how patient the Lord is with me - with all of us - on this one! sometimes i think - if i could just KNOW!
but there is freedom and peace in living one. day. at a time. i think i will learn this my whole life long.
and His mercies are new with the morning. and He is bringing me through - the joys and the sorrows. amen and amen.
a verse from a familiar psalm struck me today:
[You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies]
and then i began to think about the blessing poured over me in the presence of the hardship this year has brought. a feast of blessing! i'm not just talking about becoming engaged, getting a new job, moving to a new city - those are immense, by the way - i'm talking about those every day little things. the ways i've been refined. the ways God has literally provided just what we've needed. i feel like i'm starting to ramble here, so i'll stop... [if anyone wants to talk more about this, let's get together in person, or via skype with a cup of coffee.... or better yet, a glass of wine.] FEAST of BLESSING!
after all of this muttering and blathering and rambling has been said: i feel prepared for something new. in about a month, brian and i are moving to kansas city, missouri, where i will be working at the opera house, starting my dream career one day at a time. brian is looking for a job, and eager for the chance at a fresh start to find where God is most certainly calling him and has purposed him [can you tell i'm excited for him? :) ] we covet your prayers. we know the road ahead will be adventurous and exciting, full of newness, faithfulness, provision and love....even when it isn't easy.
last tidbit: i read today online that kansas city is the true gateway to the west (the major starting point for three different western trails), and that you can still see the grooves from the frontier wagon wheels over some parts of the state line. at the risk of sounding romantically cheesy - that resonated with me. going to this city, starting fresh, where so many people before me had gone to begin their own journey to a new place. they were no doubt excited and fearful, staring into the unknown.
as i am about to do the same thing, that knowledge gives me fortitude.
it's time for NEW.
peace.
.samantha.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Friday, May 18, 2012
journey.
the last time i posted, i was beginning the second year of my master's degree. to be honest, that almost feels like yesterday. there is a surreal amount of fullness packed in from the proverbial yesterday to right now. sitting on my bed, watching the sun stream through my window and writing a blog post seemed like the perfect way to begin the monumental weekend ahead.
tomorrow morning, i graduate with my master's degree in vocal performance from the cleveland institute of music. two years ago, i graduated from indiana wesleyan university and had no idea where my life would lead. there is a bit of similar feeling now, but is seasoned with more maturity, faith and a bit more wisdom.
i love that our Lord gives us memory and the ability to reflect with discernment. we can see His faithfulness woven into our lives sometimes with the most subtle seam, and other times as the seam that is obviously holding all of the pieces together. we can see how His mercy and gentleness have formed us and shaped us, and how His rod and staff guided us through even more treacherous courses than the ones we faced at that past moment. i think on my Gentle Shepherd this morning... thankful for the many times He was faithful when i wasn't, for the many times He remembered me when i forgot Him. i'm thankful that He pulled me out of the depths of my despair, and did not leave me to be devoured by my enemies.
oh, my Faithful Lover, the Lover of my soul! have me in Your mercy, have me in Your grace. lead me on and go before me, come behind me, walk beside me.
overwhelmed by our Lord's goodness, i'm finding it impossible to blog about what i originally intended! i apologize for the "mushiness" ! that is a little bit of a recurring circumstance with this blog... i often begin with an idea, and then am led somewhere a little bit different.
for this post, i think i will just highlight some of the year in a list. in future posts, i will definitely be expounding upon a few of these highlights. i've been blessed with incredible opportunities, learned incredible amounts in my craft and come to know and love myself in a better and Christ-like way. soli deo gloria!
to close, i ponder a group of journeyers nearly two thousand years ago. yesterday marked the Ascension of Our Lord Jesus Christ into heaven. i imagine that as His beloved followers looked on and watched Him ascend, they were full of questions, joy and probably some fear. the Lord, whom they could touch and see, and walk with and gather around the table with was leaving His time on earth. but, He promised the Comforter, the Counselor, the Advocate. His very own Holy Spirit to descend on His people. and my friends, God keeps His promises - always. He never leaves us, nor forsakes us. He gave His Spirit to His people at Pentecost and we have the Holy Spirit today.
as i face my future, i look forward knowing God's faithfulness. my prayer is for the Holy Spirit to lead me.... and nine days before Pentecost, I pray for an outpouring of the Holy Spirit on His Church.
i will continue to sing of His faithfulness.
"... and behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." .matthew 28:20.
.samantha.
tomorrow morning, i graduate with my master's degree in vocal performance from the cleveland institute of music. two years ago, i graduated from indiana wesleyan university and had no idea where my life would lead. there is a bit of similar feeling now, but is seasoned with more maturity, faith and a bit more wisdom.
i love that our Lord gives us memory and the ability to reflect with discernment. we can see His faithfulness woven into our lives sometimes with the most subtle seam, and other times as the seam that is obviously holding all of the pieces together. we can see how His mercy and gentleness have formed us and shaped us, and how His rod and staff guided us through even more treacherous courses than the ones we faced at that past moment. i think on my Gentle Shepherd this morning... thankful for the many times He was faithful when i wasn't, for the many times He remembered me when i forgot Him. i'm thankful that He pulled me out of the depths of my despair, and did not leave me to be devoured by my enemies.
oh, my Faithful Lover, the Lover of my soul! have me in Your mercy, have me in Your grace. lead me on and go before me, come behind me, walk beside me.
overwhelmed by our Lord's goodness, i'm finding it impossible to blog about what i originally intended! i apologize for the "mushiness" ! that is a little bit of a recurring circumstance with this blog... i often begin with an idea, and then am led somewhere a little bit different.
for this post, i think i will just highlight some of the year in a list. in future posts, i will definitely be expounding upon a few of these highlights. i've been blessed with incredible opportunities, learned incredible amounts in my craft and come to know and love myself in a better and Christ-like way. soli deo gloria!
- i got to be cinderella's wacky stepmother in massenet's cendrillon. what a fun, rich and challenging role.
- i took an opera history and literature course and truly loved it. wow!
- made plenty of mistakes, and learned from them - amen!
- sang at indiana wesleyan in handel's messiah. nothing prepares me for christmas quite like that glorious work.
- grew closer to brian, and learned more about loving unconditionally. (still a work in progress)
- made better friends
- kept in touch with a dear friend from far away. what an unexpected and blessed friendship that will surely last a lifetime.
- i just sang better. what a great feeling.
- i kicked butt in my coursework, and on my comprehensive exams.
- i learned that sometimes biting the bullet and making a tough decision that may disappoint others is rich in blessing, tenfold what you can imagine.
- performed at the kennedy center (!!!) and performed at severance hall in one of the most beautiful symphonies ever composed (!!!). dreams do come true! (thanks, Lord!)
- by God's grace, learned and continuing to learn how to let go of fear, anxiety and stress. it has no place in my life, and certainly is not entitled to rule it!
- i'm learning forgiveness, and actually forgiving. people, it's life changing. **i will be writing about this more!
- i had joy. i allowed myself to enjoy the blessings i've been given and not let misery invade.
- this is my favorite: on april 7, 2012, i entered into full communion with the Holy Roman Catholic Church.
to close, i ponder a group of journeyers nearly two thousand years ago. yesterday marked the Ascension of Our Lord Jesus Christ into heaven. i imagine that as His beloved followers looked on and watched Him ascend, they were full of questions, joy and probably some fear. the Lord, whom they could touch and see, and walk with and gather around the table with was leaving His time on earth. but, He promised the Comforter, the Counselor, the Advocate. His very own Holy Spirit to descend on His people. and my friends, God keeps His promises - always. He never leaves us, nor forsakes us. He gave His Spirit to His people at Pentecost and we have the Holy Spirit today.
as i face my future, i look forward knowing God's faithfulness. my prayer is for the Holy Spirit to lead me.... and nine days before Pentecost, I pray for an outpouring of the Holy Spirit on His Church.
i will continue to sing of His faithfulness.
"... and behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." .matthew 28:20.
gentle Jesus, Jesus' love.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
still.
nearly two months have gone by since i last posted a word on this blog. i was determined not to let myself become sidetracked and neglect my blog, but alas, i know myself far too well. i hope to become a person more dedicated and disciplined. sure, a blog isn't really that important-- but for me, i think it is a discipline i need. reflecting, processing, accountability.
so much has occurred since i last wrote. i am no longer in aspen, colorado but am back in cleveland and well into my second year of graduate studies at the cleveland institute of music. coursework and opera rehearsals are in full swing and i'm as busy as ever. this will sound corny, but i'm seeking to live into the cliche: too blessed to be stressed. because i am.
exactly one year ago i had let anxiety completely overtake my life. i had let myself become so stressed that it affected me physically: i couldn't eat and i couldn't sleep. i felt like i'd completely lost the ability to function normally in relationships. everyone reading probably thinks i have a severe disorder...don't worry, it becomes ok soon. i had let a completely new situation and environment paralyze me with fear and stress, but all the while knew in my deepest soul that i would climb out of my pit. i knew the Lord would pull me out, wipe the tears from my eyes, and continue to remind me that i belonged to Him. and He did. and He still is.
i've always been prone to anxiety, ever since i was little. aren't we all in some way, shape or form? i think it's just part of our society, unfortunately. we function day to day, acting like worry, fear and stress are a normal and acceptable part of our lives. i do it. why do we do that? why are we satisfied with that? why i am satisfied with that? i have become restless in my soul about this-- i am not satisfied. i do not desire that fear and anxiety take over my life, drive my life, motivate my life in any way at all. it's not worth it. and tonight, the Lord reminded me of that in His ever-patient and eternal love.
i was sitting at dinner with friends scanning the menu up and down and trying to find something that sounded good. my appetite was minimal and today was an uphill battle in fighting my anxiety. [my spirit so willing, my flesh so weak.] i was reading the menu frenetically and completely lost in my own thoughts, losing my battle. in His great mercy and tenderness, He spoke to me:
I AM God. be still.
i began to pray, thanking the Lord for His constant presence and i gave it all up right there in california pizza kitchen. i gave up the battle and fear and anxiety, and i put it all in His hands. and you know what? i will have to do it again. and again. and more times that i can count. but i know that He'll take it.
we all have our battles. and they're hard. we have to work it out; we have to get out of bed and we have to do it. we have to overcome. but, when we try to do it on our own....what good is it? i keep learning and re-learning that when i try to have complete control-- i'm stressed! i'm anxious!
be still, and know that I AM God. give your battle to Me, samantha, and I'll help you win it.
thank you Lord, for your never-ending faithfulness and love. who am I that You are mindful of me?
[ and which of you can add a single hour to his life-span by being anxious? therefore I tell you, do not worry... matthew 6:25-34].
.samantha.
so much has occurred since i last wrote. i am no longer in aspen, colorado but am back in cleveland and well into my second year of graduate studies at the cleveland institute of music. coursework and opera rehearsals are in full swing and i'm as busy as ever. this will sound corny, but i'm seeking to live into the cliche: too blessed to be stressed. because i am.
exactly one year ago i had let anxiety completely overtake my life. i had let myself become so stressed that it affected me physically: i couldn't eat and i couldn't sleep. i felt like i'd completely lost the ability to function normally in relationships. everyone reading probably thinks i have a severe disorder...don't worry, it becomes ok soon. i had let a completely new situation and environment paralyze me with fear and stress, but all the while knew in my deepest soul that i would climb out of my pit. i knew the Lord would pull me out, wipe the tears from my eyes, and continue to remind me that i belonged to Him. and He did. and He still is.
i've always been prone to anxiety, ever since i was little. aren't we all in some way, shape or form? i think it's just part of our society, unfortunately. we function day to day, acting like worry, fear and stress are a normal and acceptable part of our lives. i do it. why do we do that? why are we satisfied with that? why i am satisfied with that? i have become restless in my soul about this-- i am not satisfied. i do not desire that fear and anxiety take over my life, drive my life, motivate my life in any way at all. it's not worth it. and tonight, the Lord reminded me of that in His ever-patient and eternal love.
i was sitting at dinner with friends scanning the menu up and down and trying to find something that sounded good. my appetite was minimal and today was an uphill battle in fighting my anxiety. [my spirit so willing, my flesh so weak.] i was reading the menu frenetically and completely lost in my own thoughts, losing my battle. in His great mercy and tenderness, He spoke to me:
I AM God. be still.
i began to pray, thanking the Lord for His constant presence and i gave it all up right there in california pizza kitchen. i gave up the battle and fear and anxiety, and i put it all in His hands. and you know what? i will have to do it again. and again. and more times that i can count. but i know that He'll take it.
we all have our battles. and they're hard. we have to work it out; we have to get out of bed and we have to do it. we have to overcome. but, when we try to do it on our own....what good is it? i keep learning and re-learning that when i try to have complete control-- i'm stressed! i'm anxious!
be still, and know that I AM God. give your battle to Me, samantha, and I'll help you win it.
thank you Lord, for your never-ending faithfulness and love. who am I that You are mindful of me?
[ and which of you can add a single hour to his life-span by being anxious? therefore I tell you, do not worry... matthew 6:25-34].
.samantha.
Friday, July 8, 2011
lift.
almost another week has gone by since i last posted. i'm telling you, the weeks are flying. i had plenty of time to post, but i just didn't feel like i could. it's been a bit of a rough week...emotionally and spiritually. i'm still not entirely sure why, but today i woke up and saw the sun shining in my window, and i smiled again. life goes on, and God is still God...yesterday, today, and forever. and that just makes me say FEWF! :)
in short, this week i've learned:
1. you don't need affirmation from anyone. believe in yourself and the gifts God has given you. believe that at the end of the day, you are just as loved by Him as you were at the beginning of the day. no need to prove anything--His love never changes and never will. amen.
2. just let it go. thanks to the wonderful man in my life, my companion, i always am reminded of this. he's so right. just let it go. everything....big or small. why carry it around? [love you babe. :)]
i'm sitting in my favorite aspen coffee shop and just finished some french homework for the day. it's an espresso/wine bar...haven't tried the wine yet, but the espresso is the BEST. i will surely miss this place when i leave, but i won't miss the expensive prices.
today we had the final sitzprobe at the wheeler opera house. i'll post pictures of the house soon. as i was sitting at my music stand behind all my fellow singing colleagues and listening to the orchestra warm up, sheer joy filled me up. i thought, 'i love this. this is why i love this.' i can't really explain it. you know, the exciting feeling you get when you're doing something you love that just reminds you why you really love doing it. i need to feel that more. i think more people do.
like i mentioned before, this week was rough. and often when i'm feeling low or discouraged my mother reminds me to look up. i mean to look up physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, all of the above. i'm always amazed by how much it helps. look up and outside of the place i'm in...get my mind off myself and the work i'm doing and the way i'm feeling. being selfish is a miserable existence.
i'm reminded of two places in scripture where two men who lifted their eyes were brought to a new place with God.
first: abram. after he journeyed to egypt with his wife and messed up big time the first time the Lord told him what He wanted to with abram, he went back to a familiar and comfortable place. now, i'm not sure if this was negative or positive. i think there were positive elements, judging by the context of the scripture, but i'm not terribly far into the story of abram to really know yet. [perhaps a person who knows could comment and inform me]. however, i was still struck by how abram went back to a familiar place after he messed up in egypt. after he and lot parted ways, God spoke to abram again saying, 'lift up your eyes and look from the place you are in...' [genesis 13:14] God goes on telling abram to look at all the land around him and walk it, because God is going to give it to him and make his descendants numerous. so, abram looked up, and went forward into God's story. lift up your eyes, go forward into God's story.
second: stephen. the first martyr for Christendom. stephen was doing great wonders and signs among the people for Christ--full of grace and power [acts 6:8], and for that he was seized. the high priest questioned him about speaking blasphemy against Moses and God. Stephen gave a powerful speech about the history of God's people and the working of the Holy Spirit [i need to really dive into this speech...it's amazing...maybe i'll post on it later. find it in acts 7:1-53]. well, obviously those listening didn't like it and decided to stone him. but stephen was full of the Holy Spirit and gazed to heaven, lifting up his eyes: he saw the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God. [acts 7:54-56]. i can't even imagine what that felt like. but reading it now, i'm reminded that i'm not home yet. i'm passing through with plenty to do...but this is not my final destination. that encourages my spirit. lift up your eyes, and go confidently knowing we're not home yet.
[i will lift up mine eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help. my help cometh from the Lord...
psalm 121:1-2a].
.samantha.
in short, this week i've learned:
1. you don't need affirmation from anyone. believe in yourself and the gifts God has given you. believe that at the end of the day, you are just as loved by Him as you were at the beginning of the day. no need to prove anything--His love never changes and never will. amen.
2. just let it go. thanks to the wonderful man in my life, my companion, i always am reminded of this. he's so right. just let it go. everything....big or small. why carry it around? [love you babe. :)]
i'm sitting in my favorite aspen coffee shop and just finished some french homework for the day. it's an espresso/wine bar...haven't tried the wine yet, but the espresso is the BEST. i will surely miss this place when i leave, but i won't miss the expensive prices.
today we had the final sitzprobe at the wheeler opera house. i'll post pictures of the house soon. as i was sitting at my music stand behind all my fellow singing colleagues and listening to the orchestra warm up, sheer joy filled me up. i thought, 'i love this. this is why i love this.' i can't really explain it. you know, the exciting feeling you get when you're doing something you love that just reminds you why you really love doing it. i need to feel that more. i think more people do.
like i mentioned before, this week was rough. and often when i'm feeling low or discouraged my mother reminds me to look up. i mean to look up physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, all of the above. i'm always amazed by how much it helps. look up and outside of the place i'm in...get my mind off myself and the work i'm doing and the way i'm feeling. being selfish is a miserable existence.
i'm reminded of two places in scripture where two men who lifted their eyes were brought to a new place with God.
first: abram. after he journeyed to egypt with his wife and messed up big time the first time the Lord told him what He wanted to with abram, he went back to a familiar and comfortable place. now, i'm not sure if this was negative or positive. i think there were positive elements, judging by the context of the scripture, but i'm not terribly far into the story of abram to really know yet. [perhaps a person who knows could comment and inform me]. however, i was still struck by how abram went back to a familiar place after he messed up in egypt. after he and lot parted ways, God spoke to abram again saying, 'lift up your eyes and look from the place you are in...' [genesis 13:14] God goes on telling abram to look at all the land around him and walk it, because God is going to give it to him and make his descendants numerous. so, abram looked up, and went forward into God's story. lift up your eyes, go forward into God's story.
second: stephen. the first martyr for Christendom. stephen was doing great wonders and signs among the people for Christ--full of grace and power [acts 6:8], and for that he was seized. the high priest questioned him about speaking blasphemy against Moses and God. Stephen gave a powerful speech about the history of God's people and the working of the Holy Spirit [i need to really dive into this speech...it's amazing...maybe i'll post on it later. find it in acts 7:1-53]. well, obviously those listening didn't like it and decided to stone him. but stephen was full of the Holy Spirit and gazed to heaven, lifting up his eyes: he saw the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God. [acts 7:54-56]. i can't even imagine what that felt like. but reading it now, i'm reminded that i'm not home yet. i'm passing through with plenty to do...but this is not my final destination. that encourages my spirit. lift up your eyes, and go confidently knowing we're not home yet.
[i will lift up mine eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help. my help cometh from the Lord...
psalm 121:1-2a].
.samantha.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
growing pains.
wow. the last time i posted seems like another lifetime. so much has happened. so much has been learned. new friends, new stories, new vocal breakthroughs...tons! so, this post may be a little jumbled, but i hope it makes some sense.
my schedule this past week was PACKED. i took a picture of my planner and put it on facebook just because i was so blown away by how full my schedule was my very first official week of the aspen music festival and school. and, it was such a good week. so, this post will serve as a summation of activities spent and lessons learned this week smack in the middle of the rockies.
first, i'm learning again that i love to be physically active. i used to take dance when i was younger and the more mature part of myself loved it...the beauty of movement paired with the beauty of music. but, i felt too much like an awkward ugly duckling a lot of the time to really allow myself to dive into it. well, here in aspen, i take a class called "movement" at least two times a week. my hamstrings are still screaming from the intense warm-up our wonderful choreographer/instructor puts us through...and my class was almost three days ago. yeah, i know i'm out of shape. but, we get to DANCE! and let me tell you... i am just loving it!
in addition to movement, we take once a week a class that is called 'alexander technique.' this class focuses primarily on the alignment of your body...using your skeletal and muscular systems as efficiently as possible--the way they were designed! while this may seem like nothing to my readers (if there are any...lol), the day i had this class was a huge and victorious breakthrough for me. our wonderful instructor asked for a volunteer. i did because i've never had this course in my time of study. she had me sit on a chair and then with her hands started to straighten my spine and align my whole body. i started to feel a pinching in my lower back....for those of you who do not know, i have a pretty severe joint problem in my lower back that has at times forced me to lay down for a week and do nothing else. i knew the pinching was happening because my body was sensing change. my entire body compensates for this problem, that according to my doctor originates in my neck for whatever reason. when my instructor was prohibiting this compensation by helping me align my body the way it needed to be, it hurt a little bit. but it was a good hurt. she had me stand up, and she lifted up my ribcage, lifting pressure and weight off my lower back. she walked with me this way, and asked, 'how does that feel?'
i almost couldn't believe how good it felt. after class, i sincerely thanked her. she looked at me, genuinely, and said, 'you don't have to live with this. you're too young, and we can make it better.'
tears filled my eyes.
this isn't where i thought this post was going...but now as i'm thinking about that, i can't help but think about when the Lord speaks healing into my life. mind, body, and spirit are all connected in the way we were created. so, i'm reminded of the times when God has first broken me to heal me and correct me. when He has unearthed all of the darkness and confusion in my heart and brought it to light. it hurts, but it's a good hurt. He's present, breaking us down, molding and refining us...but His presence is ever-comforting. i can just hear the gentle voice of my Saviour, the Master Potter, 'trust Me, samantha.'
[thank you Lord, for Your continued healing and restoration you offer to all people.]
in addition to everything else i have learned this week...i learned again that i can't do everything even if i want to. sometimes, i just shouldn't. i was originally assigned a cover (understudy) role for 'mistress quickly' in the aotc production of verdi's falstaff. the part is for a contralto, a voice type lower than my own. when originally offered, i was excited and thought that i could do it because i had all the notes in my voice the part required. i coached the role with a pianist about two weeks before i came here, but had this creeping and looming feeling that this part just wasn't right for me...it was incredibly taxing on my voice and i knew that i just wouldn't be able to deliver the sound 'quickly' needed. well, i got here, and went to my first rehearsal as a cover...and the gal playing 'quickly' was sick that day. it was just an italian text coaching, but it hit me again like a ton of bricks....there is a chance i'll have to go on and sing this role. it wasn't a fear thing, and it wasn't a 'i don't want to do this because it's hard' thing. i knew i could learn all of the rhythms (cuz whoa they are hard) and language and notes with practice. but, i knew i vocally could not give the production what it deserved. although i would work hard and sing my best, the performance would come off as mediocre because i just simply don't have the right voice for it yet.
so, knowing that i'm not ok with mediocre thanks to my awesome college choir conductor, i called my voice teacher...disappointed in myself and a bit overwhelmed. he did not make me feel stupid, and told me that i had learned a lesson. sometimes things just aren't right for your voice, and you learn as you go. he told me a story where the same thing happened to him. and then he said, 'samantha, you have to talk to the director and be honest. you have to take care of this, and everything will be fine.' i met with the director the next day, and he was so very understanding and released me from the role. now, a much more perfect voice for the role of quickly is covering her...and she's excited about it! it turns out, she wanted the role to begin with. wow!
at first, i was disappointed, i felt stupid, i felt like i'd let people down and that this mistake would somehow jeopardize my future. i had to embrace that my voice and my work are not mediocre, and that i am young and learning lessons. i'm just so thankful to have wonderful teachers, directors, friends and family who are incredibly supportive. i hope to be half the teacher of all of my wonderful music instructors and directors some day.
sometimes we do have to make mistakes to learn the most important lessons. from now on...i'm really going to dig into every role i ever audition for and am offered. musicians know that we must take care of our instruments....and this is one way that God has taught me, again, how to be a good steward of the gifts he has and is giving me. all glory, honor, and praise be to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords!
[My son, be attentive to My words; incline your ear to My sayings. let them not escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. for they are life for those who find them, and healing for all their flesh. proverbs 4:20-22.]
.samantha.
my schedule this past week was PACKED. i took a picture of my planner and put it on facebook just because i was so blown away by how full my schedule was my very first official week of the aspen music festival and school. and, it was such a good week. so, this post will serve as a summation of activities spent and lessons learned this week smack in the middle of the rockies.
first, i'm learning again that i love to be physically active. i used to take dance when i was younger and the more mature part of myself loved it...the beauty of movement paired with the beauty of music. but, i felt too much like an awkward ugly duckling a lot of the time to really allow myself to dive into it. well, here in aspen, i take a class called "movement" at least two times a week. my hamstrings are still screaming from the intense warm-up our wonderful choreographer/instructor puts us through...and my class was almost three days ago. yeah, i know i'm out of shape. but, we get to DANCE! and let me tell you... i am just loving it!
in addition to movement, we take once a week a class that is called 'alexander technique.' this class focuses primarily on the alignment of your body...using your skeletal and muscular systems as efficiently as possible--the way they were designed! while this may seem like nothing to my readers (if there are any...lol), the day i had this class was a huge and victorious breakthrough for me. our wonderful instructor asked for a volunteer. i did because i've never had this course in my time of study. she had me sit on a chair and then with her hands started to straighten my spine and align my whole body. i started to feel a pinching in my lower back....for those of you who do not know, i have a pretty severe joint problem in my lower back that has at times forced me to lay down for a week and do nothing else. i knew the pinching was happening because my body was sensing change. my entire body compensates for this problem, that according to my doctor originates in my neck for whatever reason. when my instructor was prohibiting this compensation by helping me align my body the way it needed to be, it hurt a little bit. but it was a good hurt. she had me stand up, and she lifted up my ribcage, lifting pressure and weight off my lower back. she walked with me this way, and asked, 'how does that feel?'
i almost couldn't believe how good it felt. after class, i sincerely thanked her. she looked at me, genuinely, and said, 'you don't have to live with this. you're too young, and we can make it better.'
tears filled my eyes.
this isn't where i thought this post was going...but now as i'm thinking about that, i can't help but think about when the Lord speaks healing into my life. mind, body, and spirit are all connected in the way we were created. so, i'm reminded of the times when God has first broken me to heal me and correct me. when He has unearthed all of the darkness and confusion in my heart and brought it to light. it hurts, but it's a good hurt. He's present, breaking us down, molding and refining us...but His presence is ever-comforting. i can just hear the gentle voice of my Saviour, the Master Potter, 'trust Me, samantha.'
[thank you Lord, for Your continued healing and restoration you offer to all people.]
in addition to everything else i have learned this week...i learned again that i can't do everything even if i want to. sometimes, i just shouldn't. i was originally assigned a cover (understudy) role for 'mistress quickly' in the aotc production of verdi's falstaff. the part is for a contralto, a voice type lower than my own. when originally offered, i was excited and thought that i could do it because i had all the notes in my voice the part required. i coached the role with a pianist about two weeks before i came here, but had this creeping and looming feeling that this part just wasn't right for me...it was incredibly taxing on my voice and i knew that i just wouldn't be able to deliver the sound 'quickly' needed. well, i got here, and went to my first rehearsal as a cover...and the gal playing 'quickly' was sick that day. it was just an italian text coaching, but it hit me again like a ton of bricks....there is a chance i'll have to go on and sing this role. it wasn't a fear thing, and it wasn't a 'i don't want to do this because it's hard' thing. i knew i could learn all of the rhythms (cuz whoa they are hard) and language and notes with practice. but, i knew i vocally could not give the production what it deserved. although i would work hard and sing my best, the performance would come off as mediocre because i just simply don't have the right voice for it yet.
so, knowing that i'm not ok with mediocre thanks to my awesome college choir conductor, i called my voice teacher...disappointed in myself and a bit overwhelmed. he did not make me feel stupid, and told me that i had learned a lesson. sometimes things just aren't right for your voice, and you learn as you go. he told me a story where the same thing happened to him. and then he said, 'samantha, you have to talk to the director and be honest. you have to take care of this, and everything will be fine.' i met with the director the next day, and he was so very understanding and released me from the role. now, a much more perfect voice for the role of quickly is covering her...and she's excited about it! it turns out, she wanted the role to begin with. wow!
at first, i was disappointed, i felt stupid, i felt like i'd let people down and that this mistake would somehow jeopardize my future. i had to embrace that my voice and my work are not mediocre, and that i am young and learning lessons. i'm just so thankful to have wonderful teachers, directors, friends and family who are incredibly supportive. i hope to be half the teacher of all of my wonderful music instructors and directors some day.
sometimes we do have to make mistakes to learn the most important lessons. from now on...i'm really going to dig into every role i ever audition for and am offered. musicians know that we must take care of our instruments....and this is one way that God has taught me, again, how to be a good steward of the gifts he has and is giving me. all glory, honor, and praise be to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords!
[My son, be attentive to My words; incline your ear to My sayings. let them not escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. for they are life for those who find them, and healing for all their flesh. proverbs 4:20-22.]
.samantha.
Monday, June 27, 2011
a harder battle/a better artist.
[to read about the festival, scroll down to below the dotted line]
be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.
-plato
granted, you may be fighting a harder battle than some people you meet... but i don't think plato was saying this to discount any hardship or struggle a person may be facing. he said this to challenge one to think of others as better than his or herself. i want to be kind to everyone, because life is too short. i want to give people the benefit of the doubt more, because life is too short. maybe the person that was rude to me today is fighting a harder battle than me... maybe they are facing something that makes their need for kindness greater than my own. maybe not. does that mean i should be any less kind to them?
Jesus Christ says it even more specifically and presents and even greater challenge:
you have heard that it was said, "love your neighbor and hate your enemy." but I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.
matthew 5:43-46
love. the greek word 'agape' meaning to be well pleased with, to love dearly, to be fond of. selfless love. wow.
thank the Lord that His strength is made perfect in weakness. [2 corinthians 12:9.] where i am lacking in myself or in others, He fills me to the brim. and He promises to give us grace and strength to do that which has called us.
whether you are a Christ follower or not, i think we can all agree that being kind to people is much more freeing than we give it credit. if we look at others as fighting a harder battle than our own... will it make it easier to be kind to them... to love them?
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so i'm not sure if the above made sense, but it has been something on my mind today... and i'm not quite sure why. but i thought that i may process it a little better if i wrote it out, and i believe it did help.
the past two days have been grand... the weather is phenomenal. i think i will get enough sun here to last me through the harsh cleveland winter ahead. we don't get much sun up there by lake erie. yesterday i had my second aotc audition for scenes, house concerts, etc and i think it went about as well as it could have. there was a big picnic for all the students later that afternoon, and i got to meet more singers and have some fun with them. i'm so blessed to be meeting so many wonderfully talented artists...and the fact that i get to work with them? WOW. we even played frisbee and football together. yes, i threw and caught a football and got word from a baritone, tenor, AND countertenor that i did pretty well! haha :) opera singers can be athletic and do other things for recreation that do not involve music.
today, we had the convocation and it.was.amazing! all of the brass players performed together a strauss fanfare and it was glorious. i just love being enveloped in the powerful sound of beautiful brass. we heard from our president, our deans, and our wonderful music director who gave a very inspirational speech. here is what he said, and i know i won't quote him exactly...but the concept is there.
from the director of music for the aspen music festival and school:
we must spend time in solitude to develop our craft as musicians. but, we must learn to listen and learn from one another.
all musicians, no matter the instrument needs the beauty of phrasing and breath from a singer, the precision of a violinist, the contrapuntal mind of a pianist, the ability to produce a quality sound of delicacy and power in endless range from a brass player, the inexorable rhythm of a percussionist, the personality of a woodwind, and the creativity and open ear of a composer.
be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.
-plato
granted, you may be fighting a harder battle than some people you meet... but i don't think plato was saying this to discount any hardship or struggle a person may be facing. he said this to challenge one to think of others as better than his or herself. i want to be kind to everyone, because life is too short. i want to give people the benefit of the doubt more, because life is too short. maybe the person that was rude to me today is fighting a harder battle than me... maybe they are facing something that makes their need for kindness greater than my own. maybe not. does that mean i should be any less kind to them?
Jesus Christ says it even more specifically and presents and even greater challenge:
you have heard that it was said, "love your neighbor and hate your enemy." but I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.
matthew 5:43-46
love. the greek word 'agape' meaning to be well pleased with, to love dearly, to be fond of. selfless love. wow.
thank the Lord that His strength is made perfect in weakness. [2 corinthians 12:9.] where i am lacking in myself or in others, He fills me to the brim. and He promises to give us grace and strength to do that which has called us.
whether you are a Christ follower or not, i think we can all agree that being kind to people is much more freeing than we give it credit. if we look at others as fighting a harder battle than our own... will it make it easier to be kind to them... to love them?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
so i'm not sure if the above made sense, but it has been something on my mind today... and i'm not quite sure why. but i thought that i may process it a little better if i wrote it out, and i believe it did help.
the past two days have been grand... the weather is phenomenal. i think i will get enough sun here to last me through the harsh cleveland winter ahead. we don't get much sun up there by lake erie. yesterday i had my second aotc audition for scenes, house concerts, etc and i think it went about as well as it could have. there was a big picnic for all the students later that afternoon, and i got to meet more singers and have some fun with them. i'm so blessed to be meeting so many wonderfully talented artists...and the fact that i get to work with them? WOW. we even played frisbee and football together. yes, i threw and caught a football and got word from a baritone, tenor, AND countertenor that i did pretty well! haha :) opera singers can be athletic and do other things for recreation that do not involve music.
today, we had the convocation and it.was.amazing! all of the brass players performed together a strauss fanfare and it was glorious. i just love being enveloped in the powerful sound of beautiful brass. we heard from our president, our deans, and our wonderful music director who gave a very inspirational speech. here is what he said, and i know i won't quote him exactly...but the concept is there.
from the director of music for the aspen music festival and school:
we must spend time in solitude to develop our craft as musicians. but, we must learn to listen and learn from one another.
all musicians, no matter the instrument needs the beauty of phrasing and breath from a singer, the precision of a violinist, the contrapuntal mind of a pianist, the ability to produce a quality sound of delicacy and power in endless range from a brass player, the inexorable rhythm of a percussionist, the personality of a woodwind, and the creativity and open ear of a composer.
. . .
i was so inspired and reminded of why i do what i do. we need each other. we need beauty. i believe God gave us music to give us both of those things... and, to bring us closer to Him.
so-- my thoughts today are to listen more so that i can be a better artist and better friend. to be kind to everyone in case they are fighting a harder battle than my own. to soak up everything i can here because God has blessed me so immensely. wow. soli deo gloria.
[love is patient, love is kind... 1 corinthians 13:4.]
.samantha.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
water for the promised land.
hmmm, where to begin? it has been a busy past few days and i am still loving every minute of it! this is really my last leisurely day until i have another day off and i have no idea when that will happen!
let's see, i'll start with today and then sum up the past two. my wonderful voice teacher arrived late last night and met with me on rather short notice to give me a quick lesson. [scene and summer concert auditions are tomorrow.] it was absolutely wonderful. i found my voice again and felt free and open. he's working with me on not packing my breath, because i take a great breath, but have trouble releasing it effectively. let me remind you singers, BREATH IS EVERYTHING! it seems so simple, but seriously, 99.9% of the issues i have are related directly to not taking and releasing an adequate breath through a straight and aligned column of my body. i suppose all of us young singers will eventually get there. vinson always reminds me to be gentle and patient with myself...my head knows what to do, but actually doing it takes time. after the lesson he smiled at me and asked, "do you feel better now?"
"oh yes! so much better!" i exclaimed. he knows me so well. :)
the past couple of days included an excursion to the most beautifully located target ever, really great ice cream, and some time spent with friends who recently arrived. the biggest event was the first libretto read-through of b. britten's a midsummer night's dream. it was sooo much fun, and a little bit terrifying as i am probably the youngest and most inexperienced person in the room. however, everyone is so nice and so wonderfully talented. i was impressed with the level of acting coming out of a bunch of opera singers...aren't we just supposed to stand there and sing? ;) i am very excited to work with all of them and our director. he is great! also, the fairy world costume designs are incredible, as the inspiration comes from alexander mcqueen (check out the link on the exhibit at the metropolitan museum) and lady gaga. so awesome! they are hoping to put oberon, the fairy king, in 7 inch platform shoes. whoa.
on a different note... comparing yourself to others only makes you unhappy. it is one of the Enemy's best tactics and so easy to fall prey to. it creates insecurity, jealousy, hate and dissension. all things the Enemy loves. you know, you're the beloved of God. there's no need to compare yourself to anyone. i'm finding my identity in Him who gives me life in his abundant, eternal, self-existent love. i'm also continually realizing that you cannot be happy with other people if you are not first happy with yourself. Christ instructs us to "love others as you love yourself," implying that we already have a healthy, God-breathed self love. this does not make one selfish. rather, loving yourself the way God has intended for you to love yourself allows you to be selfless.
lastly, it is incredibly dry here. i think there is even a warning for fires in places below 7 000 ft. [aspen is 8 000, fewf.] and with that i can't help but think of all the biblical metaphors involving dryness and water. whether God provided literal water for his people to drink, or refreshed their souls with His Living Water, like the samaritan woman at the well. His water is deep and refreshing and never runs dry. thirsty?
[you sent abundant rain, o God, to refresh the weary Promised Land. psalm 68:9]
.samantha.
let's see, i'll start with today and then sum up the past two. my wonderful voice teacher arrived late last night and met with me on rather short notice to give me a quick lesson. [scene and summer concert auditions are tomorrow.] it was absolutely wonderful. i found my voice again and felt free and open. he's working with me on not packing my breath, because i take a great breath, but have trouble releasing it effectively. let me remind you singers, BREATH IS EVERYTHING! it seems so simple, but seriously, 99.9% of the issues i have are related directly to not taking and releasing an adequate breath through a straight and aligned column of my body. i suppose all of us young singers will eventually get there. vinson always reminds me to be gentle and patient with myself...my head knows what to do, but actually doing it takes time. after the lesson he smiled at me and asked, "do you feel better now?"
"oh yes! so much better!" i exclaimed. he knows me so well. :)
the past couple of days included an excursion to the most beautifully located target ever, really great ice cream, and some time spent with friends who recently arrived. the biggest event was the first libretto read-through of b. britten's a midsummer night's dream. it was sooo much fun, and a little bit terrifying as i am probably the youngest and most inexperienced person in the room. however, everyone is so nice and so wonderfully talented. i was impressed with the level of acting coming out of a bunch of opera singers...aren't we just supposed to stand there and sing? ;) i am very excited to work with all of them and our director. he is great! also, the fairy world costume designs are incredible, as the inspiration comes from alexander mcqueen (check out the link on the exhibit at the metropolitan museum) and lady gaga. so awesome! they are hoping to put oberon, the fairy king, in 7 inch platform shoes. whoa.
on a different note... comparing yourself to others only makes you unhappy. it is one of the Enemy's best tactics and so easy to fall prey to. it creates insecurity, jealousy, hate and dissension. all things the Enemy loves. you know, you're the beloved of God. there's no need to compare yourself to anyone. i'm finding my identity in Him who gives me life in his abundant, eternal, self-existent love. i'm also continually realizing that you cannot be happy with other people if you are not first happy with yourself. Christ instructs us to "love others as you love yourself," implying that we already have a healthy, God-breathed self love. this does not make one selfish. rather, loving yourself the way God has intended for you to love yourself allows you to be selfless.
lastly, it is incredibly dry here. i think there is even a warning for fires in places below 7 000 ft. [aspen is 8 000, fewf.] and with that i can't help but think of all the biblical metaphors involving dryness and water. whether God provided literal water for his people to drink, or refreshed their souls with His Living Water, like the samaritan woman at the well. His water is deep and refreshing and never runs dry. thirsty?
[you sent abundant rain, o God, to refresh the weary Promised Land. psalm 68:9]
.samantha.
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