still.

nearly two months have gone by since i last posted a word on this blog. i was determined not to let myself become sidetracked and neglect my blog, but alas, i know myself far too well. i hope to become a person more dedicated and disciplined. sure, a blog isn't really that important-- but for me, i think it is a discipline i need. reflecting, processing, accountability.

so much has occurred since i last wrote. i am no longer in aspen, colorado but am back in cleveland and well into my second year of graduate studies at the cleveland institute of music. coursework and opera rehearsals are in full swing and i'm as busy as ever. this will sound corny, but i'm seeking to live into the cliche: too blessed to be stressed. because i am.

exactly one year ago i had let anxiety completely overtake my life. i had let myself become so stressed that it affected me physically: i couldn't eat and i couldn't sleep. i felt like i'd completely lost the ability to function normally in relationships. everyone reading probably thinks i have a severe disorder...don't worry, it becomes ok soon. i had let a completely new situation and environment paralyze me with fear and stress, but all the while knew in my deepest soul that i would climb out of my pit. i knew the Lord would pull me out, wipe the tears from my eyes, and continue to remind me that i belonged to Him. and He did. and He still is.

i've always been prone to anxiety, ever since i was little. aren't we all in some way, shape or form? i think it's just part of our society, unfortunately. we function day to day, acting like worry, fear and stress are a normal and acceptable part of our lives. i do it. why do we do that? why are we satisfied with that? why i am satisfied with that? i have become restless in my soul about this-- i am not satisfied. i do not desire that fear and anxiety take over my life, drive my life, motivate my life in any way at all. it's not worth it. and tonight, the Lord reminded me of that in His ever-patient and eternal love.

i was sitting at dinner with friends scanning the menu up and down and trying to find something that sounded good. my appetite was minimal and today was an uphill battle in fighting my anxiety. [my spirit so willing, my flesh so weak.] i was reading the menu frenetically and completely lost in my own thoughts, losing my battle. in His great mercy and tenderness, He spoke to me:

I AM God. be still.

i began to pray, thanking the Lord for His constant presence and i gave it all up right there in california pizza kitchen. i gave up the battle and fear and anxiety, and i put it all in His hands. and you know what? i will have to do it again. and again. and more times that i can count. but i know that He'll take it.

we all have our battles. and they're hard. we have to work it out; we have to get out of bed and we have to do it. we have to overcome. but, when we try to do it on our own....what good is it? i keep learning and re-learning that when i try to have complete control-- i'm stressed! i'm anxious!

be still, and know that I AM God. give your battle to Me, samantha, and I'll help you win it.

thank you Lord, for your never-ending faithfulness and love. who am I that You are mindful of me?

[ and which of you can add a single hour to his life-span by being anxious? therefore I tell you, do not worry... matthew 6:25-34].


.samantha.