growing pains.

wow. the last time i posted seems like another lifetime. so much has happened. so much has been learned. new friends, new stories, new vocal breakthroughs...tons! so, this post may be a little jumbled, but i hope it makes some sense.

my schedule this past week was PACKED. i took a picture of my planner and put it on facebook just because i was so blown away by how full my schedule was my very first official week of the aspen music festival and school. and, it was such a good week. so, this post will serve as a summation of activities spent and lessons learned this week smack in the middle of the rockies.

first, i'm learning again that i love to be physically active. i used to take dance when i was younger and the more mature part of myself loved it...the beauty of movement paired with the beauty of music. but, i felt too much like an awkward ugly duckling a lot of the time to really allow myself to dive into it. well, here in aspen, i take a class called "movement" at least two times a week. my hamstrings are still screaming from the intense warm-up our wonderful choreographer/instructor puts us through...and my class was almost three days ago. yeah, i know i'm out of shape. but, we get to DANCE! and let me tell you... i am just loving it!

in addition to movement, we take once a week a class that is called 'alexander technique.' this class focuses primarily on the alignment of your body...using your skeletal and muscular systems as efficiently as possible--the way they were designed! while this may seem like nothing to my readers (if there are any...lol), the day i had this class was a huge and victorious breakthrough for me. our wonderful instructor asked for a volunteer. i did because i've never had this course in my time of study. she had me sit on a chair and then with her hands started to straighten my spine and align my whole body. i started to feel a pinching in my lower back....for those of you who do not know, i have a pretty severe joint problem in my lower back that has at times forced me to lay down for a week and do nothing else. i knew the pinching was happening because my body was sensing change. my entire body compensates for this problem, that according to my doctor originates in my neck for whatever reason. when my instructor was prohibiting this compensation by helping me align my body the way it needed to be, it hurt a little bit. but it was a good hurt. she had me stand up, and she lifted up my ribcage, lifting pressure and weight off my lower back. she walked with me this way, and asked, 'how does that feel?'

i almost couldn't believe how good it felt. after class, i sincerely thanked her. she looked at me, genuinely, and said, 'you don't have to live with this. you're too young, and we can make it better.'
tears filled my eyes.

this isn't where i thought this post was going...but now as i'm thinking about that, i can't help but think about when the Lord speaks healing into my life. mind, body, and spirit are all connected in the way we were created. so, i'm reminded of the times when God has first broken me to heal me and correct me. when He has unearthed all of the darkness and confusion in my heart and brought it to light. it hurts, but it's a good hurt. He's present, breaking us down, molding and refining us...but His presence is ever-comforting. i can just hear the gentle voice of my Saviour, the Master Potter, 'trust Me, samantha.'
[thank you Lord, for Your continued healing and restoration you offer to all people.]

in addition to everything else i have learned this week...i learned again that i can't do everything even if i want to. sometimes, i just shouldn't. i was originally assigned a cover (understudy) role for 'mistress quickly' in the aotc production of verdi's falstaff. the part is for a contralto, a voice type lower than my own. when originally offered, i was excited and thought that i could do it because i had all the notes in my voice the part required. i coached the role with a pianist about two weeks before i came here, but had this creeping and looming feeling that this part just wasn't right for me...it was incredibly taxing on my voice and i knew that i just wouldn't be able to deliver the sound 'quickly' needed. well, i got here, and went to my first rehearsal as a cover...and the gal playing 'quickly' was sick that day. it was just an italian text coaching, but it hit me again like a ton of bricks....there is a chance i'll have to go on and sing this role. it wasn't a fear thing, and it wasn't a 'i don't want to do this because it's hard' thing. i knew i could learn all of the rhythms (cuz whoa they are hard) and language and notes with practice. but, i knew i vocally could not give the production what it deserved. although i would work hard and sing my best, the performance would come off as mediocre because i just simply don't have the right voice for it yet.

so, knowing that i'm not ok with mediocre thanks to my awesome college choir conductor, i called my voice teacher...disappointed in myself and a bit overwhelmed. he did not make me feel stupid, and told me that i had learned a lesson. sometimes things just aren't right for your voice, and you learn as you go. he told me a story where the same thing happened to him. and then he said, 'samantha, you have to talk to the director and be honest. you have to take care of this, and everything will be fine.' i met with the director the next day, and he was so very understanding and released me from the role. now, a much more perfect voice for the role of quickly is covering her...and she's excited about it! it turns out, she wanted the role to begin with. wow!

at first, i was disappointed, i felt stupid, i felt like i'd let people down and that this mistake would somehow jeopardize my future. i had to embrace that my voice and my work are not mediocre, and that i am young and learning lessons. i'm just so thankful to have wonderful teachers, directors, friends and family who are incredibly supportive. i hope to be half the teacher of all of my wonderful music instructors and directors some day.

sometimes we do have to make mistakes to learn the most important lessons. from now on...i'm really going to dig into every role i ever audition for and am offered. musicians know that we must take care of our instruments....and this is one way that God has taught me, again, how to be a good steward of the gifts he has and is giving me. all glory, honor, and praise be to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords!


[My son, be attentive to My words; incline your ear to My sayings. let them not escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. for they are life for those who find them, and healing for all their flesh. proverbs 4:20-22.]

.samantha.